Teahouse Trauma
by s'harmonisent
Summary: Based slightly off ep 101. Funny team 7 crack and nonsense. VERY slight KakaSaku and SasuSaku.


**CRACKFIC. Nonsense. Plus humor.**

**Disclaimer:** I, most certainly and definitely do NOT own Mexico. The country has practically been independent for one hundred eighty seven something years now, damnitt! And all that hubbub about Mexico City and the Aztec capital of Tenochtitlan, and yet, no one can actually pronounce Tenochtitlan! Not even I-…oh, wait. (looks to cue card) Naruto? Not…uh…Mexico? (sweat drop) Sorry, my mistake. But yeah, I don't own Naruto either. But now I have the express right to own Mexico!! (another glance at man with cue cards) Oh…I don't? Well…can I at least have Tenochtitlan? (frown)…why not?! (dramatic tears) What do you mean it no longer exists?!?! Nooooo! (stops crying)…oh right, the story. My apologies for the hold up. (smile)

* * *

So um…I was watching my fave Naruto episode (no. 101), and I thought to myself 'hey, I haven't done a fic in forever!!' and then I thought 'that's just because I'm lazy' and then I sighed and the cue card man told me to get on with it. So, I'm going to do a humor sorta pervy fic inspired by ep 101, (it's kind of a cut in to the middle of the episode and follow up my own way) so if you've seen it, good, if not, you are DEPRIVED. And need to go watch it now. And giggle.

Okay, this fic will be **humorous, team seven nonsense**, and if it doesn't make you laugh…I dub you weird and exile you to Tenochtitlan. Which doesn't even….EXIST! (evil laughter) And I know you probably consider me weird…but…I'm already in some kind of Mexican place not even in Mexico (and sadly I retain no Mexican, Latin, or Spanish heritage) and that's enough to make some one go mad.

Ok, love you all, please review if it made you smile. And then maybe I can bring myself to embarrass myself further and write another. ;)

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke stumbled out of the cloud of steam, clad in only the bath house's uniform towels.

The blonde boy grumbled. "Well…that was unexpected. Why was there a dead frog in the-"

He turned towards the dressing room and stared, wide eyed, outright surprised at the sight before him.

Sakura was in their dressing room, as in, the _guy's_ dressing room, also only wearing a towel around her slender form, and her face was lit up with a blush that rivaled the color of her hair. Kakashi stood opposite her, and he appeared to be tying his mask back onto his face.

Sasuke and Naruto stood there in complete and utter shock for a few moments, before each receiving small nosebleeds.

Sakura spotted them instantly and her blush grew twenty shades darker. "I…uh…um…just wanted to see…um…Kakashi with…well…you know…with his…his mask off…and then…then…I…just…he…well…" She stuttered terribly before resulting to the only logical answer left.

Flee!

And she sped off at a speed that would make Sasuke jealous.

And he was.

Kakashi just stood there the whole time with a stupid seemingly oblivious painted smile on his face.

* * *

Naruto slammed a fist on the wooden table, and it cracked under the force and crumbled to the ground. "We must figure out what happened!! I think Sakura-chan saw Kakashi-sensei's face!" Naruto whined. "And she refuses to tell us!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Well maybe we just need to interrogate her." He said sarcastically. He was still miffed she ran faster than him.

Naruto grinned. "That's an excellent idea teme!"

Sasuke stared at him incredulously for a few seconds and then smirked. "I know."

The blonde boy was getting exited now. "We can do a good cop/bad cop interrogation! That'd be so cool!"

The other boy frowned and promptly tried to decline Naruto's brilliant offer. "Uh-"

The blue-eyed boy's eyes lit up. "I wanna be the bad cop!"

Sasuke glared. "I am NOT being the good cop."

"Aw c'mon Sasuke!"

"No."

"I want to be bad cop!"

"No."

"Sasuke!"

"No."

"What, you _scared_?"

Sasuke twitched. "Of what?"

"Not being the bad cop?"

"As opposed to the good cop?"

"Yes."

"No."

"No to not being the bad cop, or being scared?"

"You're not making sense."

"So you'll be the good cop?"

"Will you stop nagging?"

"Will you stop answering my questions with questions?"

"Dobe, will you stop answering _my_ questions with questions?"

"What?"

"I said…arg."

"Huh? What did you say?"

"Fine."

"You said fine? About what?"

"I'll be the good cop, damn it!"

"Alright, why didn't you just say so?"

Sasuke glared.

Naruto grinned.

* * *

Sakura snuck into the closest room she could, positive she had fled far enough from the boys who persisted in getting information out of her (even though she was still only dressed in a towel) about Kakashi-sensei's face. Which, by the way, was gorgeous. Sasuke-kun had nothing on sensei. Of course she couldn't tell him that, it would hurt his feelings-

She stopped. What a coincidence, the boys' bedroom. Hers was _just_ down the hall-

"Sasuke! I think she ran this way!"

-shit.

She had to get some clothes on, and fast.

She looked towards their closet, eyeing Naruto's orange shirt warily. Dear god no.

"Yea, she's probably in one of these rooms. Let's check."

She thought it would never result to this, and yet, here she was.

This was going to clash terribly with her hair.

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke had checked every room in the hallway (there were about thirty), at least, all but one.

Theirs.

Exchanging glances they stood in front of their door, Naruto reached for the door handle and slid the door across…

And there was Sakura.

And she was…wearing Sasuke's shorts.

She spun around quickly, startled.

Naruto gaped; she was also wearing his orange jacket. And they'd seemed to have…interrupted her changing.

She blushed and zipped it up.

Quickly trying to avoid nosebleeds the boys maneuvered to look at the fine scenery.

'_When did that painting get there?_' Sasuke inquired to himself.

Naruto, on the other hand, was still thinking about his jacket. And the fact it was on Sakura. And the fact she barely had it zipped up…

He got a nosebleed.

Sasuke sighed. This was going to be long and tough. And orange was most certainly NOT Sakura's color.

He spun around.

_Damn, where'd she go?_

* * *

Sakura huffed. She had fled, and fled, and then…well…let's just say she ran into a wall…and the wall was orange…and it screamed something like '_Teme, I got Sakura!_' and then next thing she knew…

She was tied to a chair.

A very, _very_ uncomfortable chair.

And she was also in a random empty room (with nothing but her _luxurious _chair and a card table) and there was a dark glass window. She idly wondered what the hell a tea house/farm thing would be doing with an interrogation room, but she let it slide.

Because Naruto had just walked in, wearing a very scary scowl.

He walked in and slammed a fist down on the table, needless to say, its legs crumbled and it crashed to the floor. Behind the window Sasuke sighed and wondered how many tables would suffer today.

Sakura stared at him wide-eyed for a moment, before eying him warily. "…Naruto?"

He growled. "Don't talk unless I tell you that you can!"

She rolled her eyes. "Alright, _sheesh_."

"Did I tell you that you could talk?!"

She was about to retort something along the lines of 'no, you loser' when he slammed his fist down on the table, breaking it.

Wait, wasn't that table broken a few moments ago…?

She sighed.

"Alright maggot, listen up!"

Inner Sakura was raging something like 'how dare he call us that' but Sakura ignored her.

"I don't like you and you don't like me, but I'm here, and you're going to jail!"

She furrowed her brow. "I like you…and why am I going to jai-"

"Shut up, criminal! I am an A-class cop, and I'm putting you away! Tell me-" He leaned in, eyes narrowing. "What does…Sensei's face look like?"

She gave him a look that promptly stated 'you're an idiot' and sighed. "Well-"

"Quiet! Don't speak until I tell you that you can!"

She glared at him and from behind the window Sasuke smacked his fore head.

He stood up straight and glanced at her pointedly. I have to go to the bathroom. Think about your answer, I'll be back!"

And with that he stormed out.

* * *

Sasuke glared at the grinning boy.

"Damn teme, that was SO cool!! I totally had her. Now I just have to sit back and let you work your..." He rubbed his hands together and then waved them in the air, wiggling his fingers. "…magic."

Sasuke continued to glare at him. "You…" He started, while walking towards the door. "…are a…" He paused for a moment, contemplating. "…complete idiot."

And he stepped through the door and into the room.

Naruto was too preoccupied with his hand charades to hear him. He was making an elephant.

* * *

Sasuke walked into, and stood across the pile of table rubble from Sakura, calmly looking her in the eye. Sakura blinked. "Sasuke?"

He nodded, then fished around in his pocket for something. Unfortunately, his pocket was actually a portal into another world full of small blue people with white hats, and when he stuck his hand in he squished one of them who was painting a shed. He frowned and thought '_not again_' before patting the green patch of field in his pocket.

* * *

A terrifying earthquake shook the once peaceful lands of the smurfs. And elder ran out shielding his head from flying rubble and called to six other various blue people, who strutted out carrying a large white box. They threw it into the chaos and hoped to giant hand that it would spare them.

* * *

Sasuke's hand finally patted what he was looking for and with a quiet "ah, there you are" he drew out a box of cigarettes. He pulled one out and stuck it in his mouth, and then turned to look at Sakura.

"Want one?"

Sakura looked up, she had almost fallen asleep. That's what twenty one minutes of ruffling silence does to an exhausted person. She glanced at what he was offering, and looked towards his face, pure perplexity painted on her expressions. Since when did he smoke…?

"Oh, n-no thank you Sasuke-kun, you know I don't-"

"Nonsense." He stuffed on in Sakura's mouth.

The looked at him strangely while he placed the packet into his other pocket, the one that _didn't_ lead to a different dimension.

Then he stopped.

"Now where's my lighter?"

* * *

Naruto ran in after Sasuke's exit, the ebony-haired boy left mumbling something about useless blue people and dangerous flame jutsus. The blonde boy smashed his hand down on the table, breaking it. Sakura sighed. That still didn't make any sense…

He grabbed the cigarette from her mouth and yelled "NO SMOKING! It's very disrespectful!" in her ear. Sakura was getting fed up.

Then, he left quietly, eyes shifting back and forth.

* * *

Sasuke ran back in, a quizzical look on his face.

"What was I looking for?"

She stared at him. "Uh…a lighter?"

He nodded. "Right."

* * *

Naruto burst in seconds later. "SAKURRRAA!!!"

She looked at him, one slender eyebrow raised. "Yes?"

"What did I say about talking?!"

"Uh…"

"NO! DON'T. ANSWER!"

"…"

"What? To good to talk to me?!!"

If Sakura could've slapped her head, she would have.

* * *

Sasuke poofed in merely a millisecond after Naruto left, a bucket of periwinkle paint in his hand. He looked at her.

"We're painting the table."

And with nothing more to say he poured the bucket of paint on the table and ran a brush over the wood, spilling it all over Sakura.

"…uh…Sasuke…?"

"I spilled. I'll get a napkin." He poofed out.

* * *

Naruto ran in. "HAH! Caught you red handed, criminal!"

She eyed the paint. "Naruto…it's not red…"

"WHAT did I say about NOT TALKING! Plus, I knew that. It's blue. Purple. Bluish…purply…green….AGH, stop confusing me!"

He grabbed his head and puffed out dramatically.

* * *

Sasuke ran in with a paper Halloween napkin, with little orange cats on it.

Sakura looked at the napkin, then Sasuke, then the spill, then the napkin again.

Sasuke looked between the napkin and the table, and then met eyes with her.

"I'll go get some more."

* * *

Naruto poofed in simultaneously as Sasuke left.

"It's…"

He paused dramatically.

"…lilac."

"Nope."

"AGH!"

* * *

Sasuke ran in, armful of pink napkins.

"Good news Sakura!"

Sakura looked at him skeptically. "Yes?"

"They're 40th anniversary napkins!"

"…Sasuke,"

"Uh huh?"

"We're not married."

He looked at her.

"Damn."

And he dropped the napkins on the only clean space on the floor left, and ran out.

* * *

Kakashi poofed in. "Got any spare double A batteries?"

She looked at him, hair a mess, dressed in her teammates clothes, tied to a chair, and half of her covered in purple paint.

"…why do you need batteries?"

He pointed to a television remote in his left hand. "Icha Icha."

She stared at him blankly for a couple of minutes and then shook her head.

"Sorry to say sensei, but I don't."

He nodded and poofed out.

* * *

Naruto poofed in.

"Mauve?"

"Nope."

"Damn!"

* * *

Sasuke ran in, a packet of assorted gummis in his hand.

"Sakura!"

She looked at him as he pulled out a gummi ring, stars in his eyes.

"There was only one packet left in the vending machine, and I got it. Deeessstiiiinnyyy!"

She looked at him blankly, with a 'wtf' on her face.

He got down on one knee.

"Sakura, will you marry me?"

She continued to stare.

"Sasuke,"

"Hn?"

"Just clean up the mess."

* * *

Naruto ran in straight after Sasuke left with armful of periwinkle and pink napkins.

"I've got it!"

He paused.

"It's…"

"…?!"

"It's…"

"…?"

"It's…"

"…"

Amethyst!"

"No."

"DAMNITT! What is the color of that paint!"

Sasuke poofed in. "What paint?"

"The paint in Sakura-chan's hair!"

Sasuke hadn't fully cleaned up the mess. And apparently there was…paint in her hair.

Kakashi chose this time to poof in.

"Periwinkle."

"Wha?"

"Sensei?"

"Did you find batteries?"

He turned to them. "Periwinkle is the color. Hello Sasuke. Nope, still looking Sakura, thanks for the concern."

He poofed out.

Sasuke remembered the reason they were there.

"Oh yeah, Sakura, how did you see Kakashi-sensei's face? And what did it look like?"

Naruto looked up. "Oh yeah! Tell us!"

She immediately turned a deep shade of pink. "Well…uh…um…you see…I…I was…uhm…bath…Kakashi…."

She stopped and sighed and drew in a deep breath. "Eh. Come closer, I'll just show you."

They stepped closer. She looked between them. "Sasuke, come here please…"

He came there. She smiled. "Ok…first I…"

She leaned in closed to Sasuke and whispered something in his ear.

"Then I…" she leaned into his face and put her lips dangerously close to his, blowing on them lightly.

"Then he…"

Naruto stopped gawking. "WOAH! Hold up!"

Sakura drew back. Everyone pretended not to see Sasuke's blush, as to preserve his ego.

He looked at her. "You SEDUCED Kakashi-sensei?!"

She blushed. "Um…well…it was sorta vice…ver…sa."

They gawked.

Naruto recovered with a pout on his face. "How come Sasuke got the demonstration?!"

"Because he's my husband."

"Wha?"

"Yea, tell him Sasuke!"

"Well…I sorta…ate the ring…"

"YOU ATE IT?!"

"I was hungry!"

"Sasuke…"

"I'll be the one to break up this lover's quarrel!"

"Idiot."

"Sakura, you can cry onto my shoulder if you need!"

"Naruto, stop pushing on my forehead."

"It's large enough to-"

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Teme, that wasn't nice…"

"DIE UCHIHA!"

"Eeep!"

"Whoa, the table's fixed again-"

"Come back here bastard! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT COMMENT!"

"Nevermind."

"Ack, Naruto, she's crazy!"

"Deal with it."

"Did you just call me crazy?!"

"Eeeep, uh, no…!"

"Sakura-chan, please don't kill teme."

"I've got you now!"

"Don't kill me!"

"I'll save you Sakura-chan!"

"What?! I'm the one that needs saving dobe!"

"Mou, Naruto, you're squishing me!"

"Get off us dobe!"

"You're just complaining because you're on the bottom!"

"What?!"

"Naruto, you pervert!"

"I didn't mean it like that Sakura-chan…"

"Whoa, this is much better than Icha Icha paridise."

The three teenagers froze for a couple of seconds before-

"KAKASHI!!!"

* * *

The end. Hope it made you smile. :D 


End file.
